*The following story is merely an excerpt of a much larger
experience that will be told through multiple posts.
As my husband
and I anxiously awaited the test result, I could feel my fears becoming
reality—fears of carrying a foreign being inside me and physically having to
deliver it, fears of giving up the perfect life I had been so patiently waiting
to live and was now just stepping into as a new wife, fears of learning to give
love when I was beginning to know how to receive it. I already knew the answer
before looking at the test.
I was
pregnant.
---
The hours and
days that followed were some of the most agonizing and heart-breaking of my
life. Even now as I write I think back to this event last year and the feelings
that surrounded our shock and surprise. It's hard for me to even think about
without stirring up feelings of anger, guilt, resentment, and deep sadness. But
those times would also lead to a new me that I
had never known before.
---
That holiday
season was so bittersweet. We were a newly married couple - so happy and in
love. And yet we were suddenly dealing with an unplanned pregnancy that we
simply could not (and did not) want to accept. It was so hard. For the longest
time, I just wanted it to go away. I didn't know how, but I prayed that somehow
everything was just a fluke. I wasn't ready for a baby and I wasn't ready to
lose my life as it was, as I dreamed it would be. I cried, and cried some more.
Asa cried with me and tried to help. But there was nothing that would console
me. I felt as though I was in a bad dream. When would I wake up? This wasn't
really happening to me. It couldn't be…
I feared
telling family and friends the news, too. I thought they wouldn't understand,
would judge us for having a honeymoon baby. However, we found that when we did
tell family and friends it was such a huge relief, a weight off our chests. We
had been keeping a secret for so long and now that it was out in the open we
could breathe a sigh of relief.
But even as I
made doctor appointments, had blood tests, and attended a pregnancy class I
denied it all. I thought, ‘We’ll never have to deal with this stuff because
we're not really pregnant.’ Driving this resentment and denial was also my fear
of being pregnant. I don’t know exactly where it came from, but the very
thought of another thing growing
inside me was terrifying, strange. During my engagement with Asa, the subject
of sex and children was always slightly up in the air. We didn't avoid talking
about it altogether, but when those conversations did come up neither of us
walked away satisfied. Now it wasn't an issue that we had to agree on – it had
been decided for us.
As the days
slowly passed by we agreed/resolved to take things day by day. Thankfully, it
worked out very well and helped us cope with our thoughts and emotions.
However, I still struggled with the fact that my life plan had radically
changed in a matter of no time. Of course, some of our family and friends
already assumed that we were pregnant. This only added to my anger and sadness.
“How did everyone else see this coming and not us?”
---
With the
Advent season upon us, I'm using the same Advent reflection book that I have
for a few years now, and I am
realizing that it is resonating with me so much more this time around. The
other day while reading the reflection I came across this passage.
...it was impossible not
to think of miseries of my own that bore no resemblance to a gift at the time.
It is almost always that way. Looking only at the surface of things, so much is
veiled. From that vantage point it was almost impossible to glimpse the work of
love, and even harder to imagine that pain and loss might be a vehicle for
something much greater.
I think about the number
of gifts I've failed to see and how many events I've imbued with a power they
didn't have. And what if, instead of being outraged when I experience setbacks,
I found the power within to trust that the present darkness might ultimately be
transformed into a blaze of love?
As I read the
passage, I had a deep sense of connection to the words being spoken, and to the
woman who wrote them (Paula D' Arcy). Although her story is much more tragic
than mine, I was able to relate to her sentiments.
Looking back,
I ask myself, 'How could I not have trusted God? He has never let me down
before; never led me astray. Why would this situation be any different?' But at
the time, it was so hard for me to understand His plan and to trust Him. I was
so blinded by anger and sadness that I wasn't able to see His great gift of
love. To think that He trusted me and my husband enough with such a precious
gift is really a testament that He knows what He is doing!
The Story
Continues…
